Tuesday, June 9, 2015

4

assalamualaikum wbt..

it is past 4 in the morning. i couldnt sleep macam biasalah. yatie pun perasan bawah mata aku makin hitam. last weekdays, aku dah stay up berhari hari and my biological clock pon dah haywire entah ke mana-mana. now, i did it again. 

this morning (sebab dah past 12), before bed my husband and i had a chat. biasalah tu bila dah sampai bab sentimental ni, ia boleh menjadi berlarutan. talk about lifelah, how we need to bersyukurlah, how to get rich faster lah, nak berniagalah, how jealous we are dengan orang lain yang lagi kayalah, how we hate our menteri lah, eeeh macam-macam lah.. 

then suddenly talk about my phd. 

bila start je cakap pasal my phd, mata aku dah start berkaca. this is bullshit man, jiwa tabah mana boleh mata berkaca bila cakap pasal study. 

the thing is, it is very okay for me to complain about my study life dengan husband. but sometimes, bila dia tak faham, kita pun tak terasa sangat yang beban kita akan ter'lift' bergitu sahaja ye tak? but he helps a lot, like a lot! but being me, kalau boleh nak seluruh dunia tau cerita aku menderita belajar ni. 

dulu masa master, memang banyak member yang sokong and tolong aku. it was so different, aku dah pernah cerita sebelum ni. the environment, the scope of study, the field itself pon lain. tapi nama pun buat phd. permanent head damage, so memang kena bear with it! 

now, susah sikitlah nak share ups and down, i can say, aku buat kerja ni sorang sorang. and no one, no one including my sv pun takkan faham jerih perih aku buat kerja and keep on not getting the results that i want, atau we want. bila aku try share dengan orang lain, they can not help. memang tak boleh tolong punya. and if i keep on rambling benda yang sama, or almost sama, orang lain pun benci jugak kan. macam aku kena semalam. bila ramble and tanya orang untuk cari barang, dah macam susahkan orang tu pulak nak kena bangun and help me out to search for things in the fridge. kecik hatilah jugak kan nampak sangat aku ni menyusahkan dunia. 

everyday, almost everyday aku rasa nak give up. and almost everyday aku cakap 'aku benci kerja aku sekarang'.. dah mana lah nak datang aura positive tu kan dah keep on chanting like that. 

life must go on.. aku try to be as positive as i can sampai habis ni. aku kena habiskan jugak! aku kena gagahkan jugak to finish this of, then dah! tak nak dah! sangat sangat serik dah! 

and i'm sorry to you guys yang bloghoping tu terbaca rambling aku yang merepek ni. sometimes i need to tell people how hard my life is so that aku rasa dunia akan tertumpu pada aku padahal banyak lagi orang lain yang lagi serabut kepala dia berbanding aku kan. talk about being sellfish. haha. 

that's all i think. oh yeah, had a blast last weekend. nasib baiklah kalau tak masuk sepital sakit jiwa agaknya aku hari ni. 

adios!

6 comments:

  1. Salam kenal sis zura..Inilah sebabnya sampai la ni xsambung2 master...huhu xsetabah sis...after hardship there is relief...

    Bertabah ya sis...u can do it!

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  2. thanks cinet. terima kasih banyak-banyak atas doa. kira saya ni memang miang pi sambung belajar. last-last nangis di tengah jalan.. huhu..

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  3. zura, blog is the place where i share my thought... so nothing wrong for u to put on your rambling here. Yes... i may not really understand the hardship, but i know the feeling of getting stuck and the stress it caused.

    hang in there sis... disebalik kesusahan, pasti ada kesenangan... InshaAllah, May Allah ease your journey and lapangkan dada u so that u can think straight n focus in ur PHD. This way that u choose definitely not easy, but the reward is very big... just think of the benefit that all we human can get from ur research... masyaAllah... banyak pahala :-)
    (walaupun i x tau u research pasal apa, but i'm sure it would benefit the world kan :-) )

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    1. insyaaAllah.. thanks for the doa st. means a lot to me. thanks again. i will never give up insyaaAllah.

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  4. Assalam zura,
    oohoooiii
    baca entry uols teringat zaman stress iols dolu he3 :P

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    1. at least teringat still okay lagi. i sedang menghadapinya T__T

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