Friday, October 4, 2013

nightmare seorang postgrad #4 - supervisors

semalam aku tak dapat buat lab aku yang setelah sekian lama aku tunggu. aku tunggu untuk guna satu mesin tu tapi sebab KEBETULAN semalam ada pulak kebakaran berlaku kat blok aku, jadi semua orang kena evacuate the building and all the running equipment need to be stopped.

aku pasrah lah. balik dengan penuh kekecewaan. sebab mesin ni kena booking. dan untuk guna mesin ni lagi, i need to wait for another 1 month. i is sad okay. i is sad.

so for the whole day, i managed to do something else at home. aku menjahit, siapkan shawls sambil tengok titanic, siap gosok all shawls so that they look nice, laki balik masakkan ayam lagi semua and that was it.

malam tu, sebelum tidur, aku teringat kerja yang bertangguh, kerja yang tak siap, kerja yang sampai bila entah nak habis.

malam tu, tiba-tiba rasa nak nangis, terbayang-bayang diri sendiri yang tak dapat satu result hapa pun dah sem 4 tapi tak ada result.

terbayang-bayang kalaulah aku buat kat oversea, mesti aku dah publish at least 2 papers.

terbayang-bayang wajah supervisor.

aku keluar bilik, tengok hitz.tv sampai hampir terlena. masuk bilik dan tidur.

*****

pagi tadi, datang lab seperti biasa, rupanya hari ni ada lawatan dari seorang noble laureate ke lab. rupanya-rupanya supervisor ada sekali, lalu depan meja aku.

the thing is, every time nampak dia, i dont know what should i do. should i wave at him (i try to wave at him this morning nasib baik dia tak nampak or else it will look super awkward), should i say hi? should i smile? should i run away? should i make myself busy?

usually, when this happens, i usually just stare at him, and he stares at me like we are having this eye contact and we are kind of having a conversation silently. like what Prof X do in X-men. it's super weird, man.. very..

kadang-kadang je aku cakap, 'Hi Dr!'

i want to be friendly. but when i saw him, i will think about questions he will ask me latter. so potong stim kat situ. and i know that he wanted to be friendly as well but i think maybe because i act that way and maybe he also doesn't know how to be friendly. how do i know? we communicate like prof X, remember?

well my previous supervisors are different. prof R misalnya, he will greet me like 'Apa khabar?'or i ran away. and for Dr A, memang selamba aku cakap 'Hi Dr!' because she's friendly walaupun dia kata; 'Bila nak datang jumpa saya ni?' and the conversation continues to 'Bila Dr. free?'.

getting sms from my supervisor yang sekarang ni pun dah berdebar-debar.

well i hope student-supervisor relationship ni bertambah baik lah. depress siut kalau asyik dalam ketakutan macam ni je (one of the reason is that i have no publishable result).

so kawan-kawan belajar. apa pulak kamu rasa dengan supervisor kamu kamu semua?

2 comments:

  1. Sama.Sama sangat. Awkward gila hoccay. Rasa nak lari kalau nampak dia. Bukan lah dia garang ke hapa, cuma I rasa malu sangat amat sebab I'm not good in research berbanding supervisee2 dia yang lain. Kalau jumpa atau bagi email mesti I tanya soalan bodoh. Ah, malunya...Sebab dia baik sangat yang buat I malu sangat. Ada one day I attend conference, dia jadi judge, then I buat selamba je la sebab ingat dia tak nampak dia. Then after abis conference dia free so I jumpa dia. Then dia cakap apa tau, "Ha tu la tadi nampak awak. Yang hat pakai shawl merah2 kaler terang2 tu mesti you..!" DANG!..Double awkward.

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  2. bnc: hahah.. so funny! i can imagine the awkwardness.. tapi tula, actually we the students sampai suka ngumpat pasal supervisor masing-masing. how they react, how they deal with the students. sebab rasanya, if the supervisors can make the student 'not' to feel awkward rasanya the relationship will be okay! dan kita takkan mengumpat supervisor kita dah. and wont run if they come to talk to us. actually niat diorang baik, but i can not handle the awkwardness! help! haha!

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