Friday, October 19, 2012

Hillarious; Parenting test: 14 steps to follow before you have children

Assalamualaikum ollz!

last time, i post about kamasleepa, saje nak takut-takut kan diri sendiri kalau nak jadi ibu, bersedia ke tak kan?

this time, i know about this from her. thanks hana for sharing this. it really made my day. dahlah hari-hari murung..bila baca benda pelik macam ni terasa hati sangat ceria! teirma kasih terima kasih..

jadi bersediakah aku untuk jadi mommy ni? 

kalau nak tau bersedia ke tak, meh meh test iri sendiri; here goes:

Test 1: Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After nine months, remove 5 per cent of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2: Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it; this will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3: Nights
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
*Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4: Dressing small children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
*Time Allowed: 5 minutes
Test 5: Cars
1. Forget the BMW; buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6: Going for a walk
1. Wait.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come back in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in again.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least six questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
*You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7: Conversations with children
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8: Grocery shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
*Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9: Feeding a 1-year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
Test 10: Entertainment
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11: Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
5. Drag random items from one room to another room and leave them there.
Test 12: Long trips with toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important notes: no more than a 4-second delay between each 'Mummy'. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
*You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13: Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the 'Mummy tape' listed above.
*You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14: Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put one cup of lemon juice in it.
4. Stir.
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work.
You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!

7 comments:

  1. hahahaa... kalau cenggini kene wat preparation, xde sape sanggup ade anak.. hihihi

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  2. haha... test 10 tu mmg buat aku kenal semua karekter kartun. dan satu hari tgkla barney sampai muntah ye

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  3. Kak dot, sebaik takde syarat syarat nak jadi mommy kena buat test test pelik cenggini..haha..mane tau masuk dalam silibus syarat sah kawen..kekekeke...

    Fashya, kalau aku balik kampung ada anak buah aku tu memang dopopat jam aaa kartun..sekian terima kasih nak tgk drama. Aku siap buat trivia ultraman kat dia, boleh jawab semua siap explain tuuuu...terima jela tengok dragon ball pukul 8.00pm..hehe..

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  4. parenthood is not always a bed of roses kan..memang lah wonderful but sometimes it test our patience to the max.and that's why I lebih suka baca blog mothers yang honest (mostly mak2 dari oversea) sebab they write honestly what is their feeling and how they feel everyday. Sorry to say but Malay mothers always sugar-coating the motherhood experience. Ada je yang jujur about parenthood but lepas tu mereka akan dihentam sebab kononnya tak appreciate anak. But for me, i lebih suka baca motherhood blogs from oversea yang lebih jujur..

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  5. nasib baik aku suka kartun, so i have no problem with test no 10. kekekek.

    this is so funny, of course lah this test is exaggerating too much but this is just for fun. i hope it's not this hard when it comes to the actual parenting for me and for you nanti, amin~ the key is to berdoa, mintak dipermudahkan masa tu nanti, dapat baby tak banyak ragam cam aku time kecik2 dulu, heheh.

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  6. ina! rindu kau komen di blog ku..cewah.. yelah..this is just a joke. buat gelak-gelak seronok seronok. yup! hopefully tak banyak ragam sangat macam aku jugak time kecik..kekekeke...

    ina ko sanggup tengok ultraman and dragon ball 24 jam sehari ke? heheh.. :P

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  7. b&c, true!! tak salah jadi honest mother. it tells that being a mother is hard. not everything sweet. tak delah lepas kahwino excited nak dapat baby, but the truth diorang tak tahu betapa hebatnya cabaran yang they all hadapi and not prepared.. and kerja seorang ibu memang hebat. no doubt. dan sebab telling people betapa susahnya jadi ibu lah, untuk orang yang belum kaweh, diorang ambil precaution. macam kat malaysia, main taram lepas tu beranak, lepas tu biar anak tu or worse, buang.

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